I am a GOLDEN SUPERHERO

So, I'm doing this survey thing for part of a research project in my sociology class. And it's been pretty interesting so far... Sometimes kinda creepy, but otherwise just... interesting, and with some moderately unexpected responses. Here's how it goes, if you want to participate, please don't hesitate to contact me... I need everyone I can get. I want at least 50 m 50 f... but that probably won't happen.

The following are the questions in this survey. Please remember that your identity will not be revealed and the information is fully confidential. You are in no way obligated to respond. Thanks again for your participation.

GENDER:
AGE:
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
OCCUPATION:
LEVEL OF EDUCATION:
1. Are you sexually more attracted to males, females, or both?
2. Do you watch pornographic films?
3. If you were to watch a “Lesbian” pornographic movie, would you prefer realistic (more “butch,” believable) actresses, or the classic “hot” porn star to portray the lesbians?

I was having a really hard time dealing with a lot of stuff. I don't really want anyone to think that I am really really fucked up or anything, nor am I really depressed. It's just that when I have too much time to think, I start to loathe myself.

Another thing, much of the stuff I say on here is stream-of-consciousness ranting, so please don't take offense. I mean, it's going to be true unless I'm intentionally putting something out there to someone... So, sorry if you were offended.

I love my life, most of the time. I love my girl, my friends, my family, even work. And I don't get a chance to post much when I'm happy. So, I am. Happy. I am very happy at the moment.

Last point of the night: I'm in Love with Resident Evil. And I want the new movie. On DVD. Now. Thanks.

Well... I love life, for the most part. Today was flippin' crazy at work... Yesterday was pretty cool. We went to class, and during our break we talked about how we wanted to decorate our house, and that just made me a happy kid :)... Then after school we went to see "The Brave One." It was really good, and I cried within 30 minutes.

Anyway, it's a short entry because I must be getting to my lady.

<3

RESIDENT EVIL!!!!!

So, Saturday marked mine and Whitney's 6-month anniversary. I planned this whole "perfect date" thing... And I was really really nervous. I felt like it was a first date. Because it's the first time I ever just went crazy and extravagant. Well, I started out by getting all dyke-dressed-up. Hah. And then I picked her up, card and dozen roses in hand. When she opened the door, she was absolutely gorgeous. She was just, glowing... I'm pretty sure I fell in love all over again. I picked her up and we went downtown to go to the Old Spaghetti Factory. So we parked, and walked. She said "I can't believe we have to walk all this way AFTER we eat dinner..." And then... we sat around the OSF for a while waiting for our table. We sat down, ordered, and I started getting really antsy because we had a schedule that we really needed to follow. We made it out right on time, and our carriage picked us up. The driver was really nice, and we got to the Palace around 7:45... went to the box office and picked up our tickets. We went in and sat down, and she saw a few people she knew... which is totally beyond the point. Anyway, I really liked Melissa Ferrick, and I put one of her songs on my myspace. And then we watched Ani Difranco... It was well worth the 86 bucks and stress from ticketmaster. Anyhoo, after the concert, I kidnapped her... She had no clue where we were going... Driving down 64, I got really close to exiting on the Watterson exit, and was like "Is this our exit? Is this our exit? Maybe, Maybe... Aw, Nope!" And then swerved back into the regular lanes of traffic... And so I took her out to Blankenbaker Rd, then told her that we were just going to McDonald's because we were thirsty and it was on the way to our destination. So, we got our tea, and cigarettes... Then I started toward our true destination... Which I led her to believe was Sam's Club. Lol... and then We arrived, I booked a hotel room awhile back, and after work on Saturday I went there and set it up. She walked in to what I thought was a pretty nice room, with wine on ice and 2 glasses... She loved it... And I'm glad, because I love her like crazy and I'd do anything to keep her happy... And, that's bout it... She's wonderful and I'm glad I could make her happy.

So... I'm having some decision-making difficulties. I feel like I'm missing out on everything, so I want to switch my work schedule to 2nd shift... But then I won't really be able to see my family except for possibly before work, and very little on my off days... The up side to that is I'd be able to hang out with my friends more, because they tend to not hang out till night. And I'd have weekends off. I'd also be making more money... And 2nd shift isn't as hard or busy to work... So, I mean, overall it's probably the best solution. But that means no more entertaining lunches/dinners with Whitney's parents... And I don't think I like that. I don't know what to do, really... But I hate having to grow up... It sucks...

Like right now, everybody's hanging out and they're having a Halo party... Which I mean I don't really care much about halo, but I wish I was able to hang out with my friends, to party... And even when I DO party, I fucking have to go to bed at 10. This is ridiculous...

whitney just told me she was going to shoot me in the face; so i decided to come downstairs and play on the computer... i don't much appreciate being threatened first thing in the morning; but i suppose living with her that's what i should expect... is it really my fault that my body's on a schedule, so i woke up early... and didn't feel like sitting around waiting for the alarm? i didn't think it was, but okay...

so last night's adventures...
whitney and i went out to crestwood to visit her grandparents... we went to eat, then left to embark on our westward journey (back to prp). so, starting up, i noticed that we weren't going to be able to make it home on the meager supply of gas currently fueling my engine. she didn't know where the nearest gas station was, so we got on 71 and waited until the crestwood exit to stop at a gas station. so, we pull into the shell station and i open my gas tank; only to notice that the leak-proof screw-on cap requires a key to get it open. yes, a key. was that key supplied to me at the time of purchase? no, because no one had thought to check the gas tank to be sure there wasn't anything weird going on. so, basically, i'm fucked. i play around with my work keys to see if any of those will work, but they don't. so i call AAA. they said that they do not have a universal key, and that they'll have to tow me. issue number one: five miles of free towing, 30 miles from home. so that additional towing mileage cost. too much. issue number two: AAA generally takes forever to get there... so we made bff's with the gas station cashier. and, waited. and waited. and waited. i got frustrated by the time i got off the phone with AAA, and i went in and bought a pack of cigarettes. sad, i know, it had been like a month since i had actually bought some... actually, slightly over a month. august 6 to be exact. anyway, we waited with the gas station attendant. i went outside to smoke... called my mom... cried... all the while whitney finding this whole scenario hilarious; and laughing. interestingly enough, we were like 10 minutes from where juli used to live...

so... we get towed back to jay's. and leave the car there. come home, study, sleep.
i get a call at 8:30 this morning telling me they don't have any spare keys. so, i have to stop there before school. which is why i want whitney to get up, but of course that won't happen.

and... i have a test in 1.5 hours. one that i feel like i'm prepared for but i really doubt i'll actually do good.

oh, u of l... idiots that they are... didn't confirm my student loan in time... so it got cancelled... and now they're threatening to cancel my fall classes. because they're fucktards. and now my dad and i have to go re-apply. because u of l financial aid department is comprised of a bunch of slow-moving fucktards. do i really care if they're actually good people? no, not at the moment.

i feel like the world is against me... and now i'm going to go supply that nasty, dangerous, carcinogenic habit of mine. sad, but true. fuck life.

PS: SaTURDay is getting closer. thank god.

look at cars in like an hour; wish me luck :)

so... let me just explain this one point, to prove how sad of a day it really is for me...

MY UNCLE, who is a fantabulous DJ in lexington, was working a couple of days ago... And guess who was in his studio; NONE OTHER THAN, the BACKSTREET BOYS! That's right, my uncle met the backstreet boys. And this is sad for me why? Because (a) I didn't get to go meet them, and (b) I so could have.

Ok... but let's explore how excellent this could be... He said next time he will find out ahead of time, and call me, and I will go to Lexington, and I will meet the backstreet boys. I don't think ANYONE truly understands (aside from Whitney and Brittany) how super exciting this is. HOLY HELL! I might get to meet the backstreet boys!!!

Okay, enough ranting and raving... For a little update... I woke up yesterday with a cold, so, of course, I wasn't too thrilled... but I went to work nonetheless, and then hurried on home so I could go to Whitney's parents' with her (it was her dad's birthday)... And then we left to go get some grub... On our way to bardstown road, brittany called... We went to Eastern House and met Brittany and Phil for lunch... Then Brittany came to the townhouse where we played Karaoke Revolution for hours... Eventually Lindsay came home, then Bart and Phil came to join the excitement... I decided that since Bart was there, it was a good time to start drinking... So I took a few shots and got real tipsy real fast... Lol... but then I went to bed. And then Joe came up and said hi to me... And I didn't get to see Marco, which was sad, but I didn't feel good so I went to bed... But anyhoo... At like 2 or 2:30 whitney came up to bed, apparently everyone had already left... I was pretty shocked.. But at that point in time, I sounded and felt like hell... so I took some cold medicine. I still felt shitty when I went to work this morning, and the nursing supervisor sent me home... and so I came back and went to sleep.

Yeah... that's all that's really happened. My life is a bore.
Oh, I cannot WAIT until Saturday! Woot!

So... I'm sitting at home, chillin with my POS laptop... It's in safe mode, the only reason it's working... And pondering upon my existence.

There are a few points I'd like to bring up.
ONE: I want to move on October 8. My parents don't think I am moving until December. And I don't know how to tell them otherwise. I'm working a lot of overtime to be able to afford the application fees and deposit. As well as a new bed. Other than that, a coffee table (and maybe an end table or two), and a tv stand, my furniture is basically set. I really want this to be my own place. I just... I can't figure out how to tell them I want to move so soon. Maybe I'll go to the apartment place, and then come back and tell them that if i move in Oct that it'd be cheaper... I don't know if they'll buy it. But either way, I'd love it if this dream world of mine became reality.

TWO: I miss my friends, I miss all of them. Whitney and I went to Marco's this weekend. It was nice, I really wish I could hang with Marco more often. But he and Whitney are really the only people I ever see outside of work. And the occasional family. It's really sad for me, how much my life has died. Fuck being grown up. Fuck full time jobs, full time school, full time studying... If any of them were supposed to be done in conjunction with one another, they wouldn't be called full-time. It's starting to get to me, as I'm picking up more shifts, I'm starting to really crash. But I need the money. I am transferring to second shift in January. I want to be able to have a day off, to have a weekend, to actually be able to hang out with my friends.

THREE: Less than two weeks until our 6-month monthiversary. I'm taking her out, but she doesn't know full details. She does know, however, this part: We're going to Old Spaghetti Factory and then to see Ani DiFranco at the Palace. She doesn't know what I've got planned after that, but she's looking forward to just that part.

FOUR: My car is still messing up. I don't know why. I check the oil daily, and I take care of it. But it won't cooperate with me. THAT is really stressing me out, because I don't have the money to get it fixed, and I don't want to have to rely on my parents to deal with my problems. I know I'm only 19 and I should accept the help that I get, but I want to be at least moderately independent.

FIVE: I love Whitney Brunker... To this day, I'm still as happy with her as I ever was. It's amazing. Normally at the is point in a relationship (actually, quite often it's much earlier), I am sick of the person. I can't stand to be around them and I hate being with them. But this is like a polar opposite. I love it, and being with her is bliss. That is all.

SIX: She thinks I'm bipolar. I'm totally not.

so as of late, life has been a complete roller coaster ride... fortunately, it's had more ups than downs, but several disappointments. none involving anyone but myself, but nonetheless they're still there. lately my life has been reduced to sitting around and playing guitar hero (when i'm not sleeping or at work), or running around with whitney. not saying that that part is any different, but the thing is: i'm taking out more time for myself... you know, that healthy "me time" thing. but other than that, things have been pretty good. i'm going to try and get some overtime next week because i'm broke-ish. i need to pay 2 bills on this paycheck, my biggest two bills nonetheless.. and I should have worked overtime this week because i'm supposed to be ubertreating whitney on our monthiversary. i still will, i'll find a way... because to me i've had this perfect night planned out and i don't want to risk it failing because i'm stupid and can't manage money/time.

well, school has been okay... we didn't go to half of our classes on tuesday because whitney wasn't feeling too well. fortunately i have friends in some of my classes, or at least acquaintances, who are willing to hook me up with notes... the plan as of now is to work over on sunday, monday, and wednesday... let's just hope it all works.

tonight is whitney and lindsay's housewarming party, which i will not be attending. i need to sleep, and i don't really see a point in going to a party anyway... i can't drink, i never can... my social life has diminished tremendously since i've started work/school. but, that's okay... everything pays off in the end. and i know people don't think i work hard, but i do... well my friends don't think i work hard, i'm pretty sure my parents and family do. but i put my all into this job, because i like it, i like what i'm doing, and i like the people. i like all the people, even though my patience may be at its end sometimes, i still love my patients...

today i was searching for some apartments, and i found one that i thought i really liked. you know, good area of town, reasonable price, etc... so i called about it, "Hello?" "Hi, I was calling about the ad for the apartment." "Oh, I just rented it... Like 2 minutes ago." now, i can understand this... but it made me a sad sara... he could have said, "it's already been rented." that would have made me feel better... because i looked at it earlier in the day and decided to wait to call :( so it was sad... i have bad timing... but i'm still looking, because obviously i can't give up... i just hope everything works out to the point where i can finally be at least mostly independent.

i have a feeling, though, that when i do get my own place that i will see whitney a lot less. even though my having a place would much better facilitate our time together, i'm sure we won't see each other... because she's a homebody, and she'll want to be home all the time, and she'll want to make sure her friends don't feel like they're losing her... which in turn means she'll basically never stay with me, but i won't want to stay with her because that's already caused enough problems... so whether or not everything will be just peachy immediately following my move, i have no idea.

i guess i'll stop writing now, and get back to my world of guitar hero.
i'm waiting for a phone call, for basically no reason... but i'm still waiting for it, just for a brief minute or two of her voice.

and that is all.

much <3

SO, Upon recent reflections upon this past year, I've realized how many friendships I've lost, how many (or few) i've gained, and it's really rather depressing. I've actually re-gained, then re-lost one or two. It's ridiculous. I mean, I understand that everyone gets busy... we're all trying to do this "growing up" thing, and it requires a lot of time. And yeah, I realize that I spend a lot of time with my significant other. I'm guilty of that, but I do make time for my friends... Even if it's just a quick lunch or something. I miss my friends... I feel like I really dont' have many people to turn to. I used to have so many close friends, now it seems they're all mere acquaintances. I'm trying to make new ones, but I'd prefer to simply rekindle the old relationships I had. those people are really what mean the most to me. I wish that everyone would acknowledge that I really do miss them, and I'm not just kidding around when I tell them that. I miss having that companionship, the closeness of a "best friend." Understand, however, that I'm extremely thankful I have Whitney. She means an incredible amount to me and I wouldn't give her up for the world, but sometimes you really just need a third party to talk to, to vent to.
Whit and I were actually discussing how we've lost so many friends, under different circumstances, and for a variety of different reasons. But it all seems to boil down to one key element: love. Whether it be pure or simply lust, it seems that if a girlfriend/boyfriend comes into the picture, everything is lost between friends. We allow ourselves to be consumed by that one person.
I know I've been guilty of that before, but seriously, I haven't been this time... Maybe at first... But I long for my friends, of which it seems I have none. I don't know how to get them back, we all seem so distant now. A few people, I know, I can simply see and hang out with, and it'll be like we never skipped a beat... but the ones that I have grown farther from, I'm afraid that we'll never regain that old relationship we had.
I really want to move out. I want my own place, I want people to not bitch at me. I want to be able to do what I want ,when I want, with whoever the fuck I want.
Oh, and my car is broken. We don't know what the hell is wrong with it, but it won't keep oil. But there's no leaks, and it's not burning it up... my dad said it sounds like a motor problem. Fan-fucking-tastic, huh? I finally can afford something of my own, something I was proud to have, and it turns out to be a POS.
And my laptop has decided it hates me, so I'm just uninstalling basically everything and starting from scratch. I'm keeping firefox, it's done nothing to hurt me. But this effin' laptop likes to freeze up, even if there's only ONE foreground program running. I'm not sure if it's a problem with CA or what, but no one else seems to have this much trouble with new shit.
OK... ONE good thing has happened today among all this depression, angst, and frustration... and that is: I BOUGHT GH2!!! woo!!

And I've realized something... parents are effin' smart... At least the ones I spend time with.
They're right... in general spending time/being friends with exes is just weird, it causes problems, and I don't like it. Granted, I've tried the whole keeping a friendship thing, but it just doesn't work. And I dont' like it when people I'm dating are all up in their exes lives, because it makes me feel insecure and I simply think it's strange, as well. The only exes I talk to, initiate contact first... and I don't keep the contact going... but that's just my take on the exes thing.

And, I need to stop being such a fucking MOM. I worry too much, all the time, about everything. And it's basically killing me. Why I just can't let things be is completely beyond me. I wish there was some tangibility to all my worrying, so I'd think that all my energy wasn't going to shit, but it is. I waste my time, energy, etc. on things that don't even need it. Some things I worry about are reasonable, but a lot of things just make me seem like a prude. I hate myself when I push people away simply because I care too much.

I can only think of a couple things I have now that I even need to be depressed over, yet for some reason almost anything will bring me to tears, or to wanting to cry, even if I don't. I have no clue what it is about me, but my emotions are haywire. I wish I could control them but I generally can't. I HATE me sometimes.

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On a moderately less depressing note, tonight Marco, Whitney, and I are going to Lexington to see Adam's show... Maybe it's the thought of going on a roadtrip with two really good friends (well, one really good friend, and my girlfriend lol), or maybe it's because I am proud of my cousin, but I am really excited about this. Granted, I'm effin' crazy... for going to lexington at midnight and having to work tomorrow, but it's all good... Who needs sleep anyway, eh?

And the word on the streets is that Marco is going to hang out with us on Saturday, too... I miss marco, it seems like I never see him anymore.

But, anyway, that's all that's been going on...

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Thank God it’s Friday night
And I just ... got paid
Money, money, money, money...
Oh

So... School started for me on Tuesday. And it's pretty interesting, especially my Soc class. Unfortunately I only have class with like one person I know... But that's alright, I can make new friends. Tuesday we saw all kinds of people on campus. Today I saw a few i know, but not as many. I see megan huff everywhere, lol.

But yeah, I'm still really really tired. I'm just exhausted and wish I could have a day off. But I guess that's what Fall and winter breaks are for. Oh well, I mean... It'll all pay off in the end I guess.

Whitney, Lindsay, Jeremy Shay, and I are going to the fair today. Tomorrow Whitney, Marco, and someone else, and I are going to Lexington for adam's show.

But yeah, theres not really been much going on... except for work and school.
Peace.

maybe i'll eventually have time for a good update. for now, abridged version is all i can afford.

... lots of not sleeping, lots of work (which i love), and lots of whitney (no surprise).


i don't care how much we "fight," or fight... i always find it difficult to stay mad at her for more than a few minutes. i wish she didn't that power over me... or rather, i wish she didn't know it.

thats it.
today was asapp's birthday, so we partied. lol.
holla.

I don't really have a best friend anymore.

my so-called BFF has turned his back on me... Not that I didn't expect it, but it's been confirmed.

of not being wanted.

or of being told that i'm not wanted by outside parties.

it's fucking bruising to my emotions.

i'm a sad person, i'm a sensitive person... and i'm very sad lately. and so i don't need the extra shit from people.

i love going to work. because i can get away. how fucking pathetic is that?

So... Nothing's been up, really. Thursday night, Whitney, Marco, and I went to the drive-in. We saw Harry Potter, and Transformers (<3). It was fun..> We got Lunchables and generic sodas... Lol. Friday my mom and I went to Lexington, which was fun, as always. I got an espresso maker. That was fun for me. I got a few things, too. Because I'm spoiled. Lol... But, yeah, it was rad. Yesterday (Saturday), I went to my cousin's wedding reception thing, then back home to wait for the Timmy, and then Timmy didn't call, so I played with my espresso maker... And then Joe and I went to Bearno's to watch Adam and Amanda play. Then we all went back to Dana and Doug's. It was fun... There were a WHOLE bunch of camp people in town: Sean, Sabrina, Diana, Charlie, Sarah, Crystal, Stephanie, Will, Jay, Cameron... lol thats all I can think of... But anyway, they were all there... Doug offered me alcohol, so I had a beer. There were like 4 kegs, I was just trying to help ():-).

But that's all I did this weekend... So it was pretty exciting. Today is laundry and rest day. And I am going to dye my hair.

I Start work tomorrow... I'm pretty nervous. And excited.

So, everyone's asleep, yet again... And I'm just sitting in the living room by myself... I've made a couple of decisions...

One, I will not stay here as often as I have been... I made that decision before they talked about it, and I'm going to stick to it.

Two, I want my own apartment... Just me, at least for a little while.. I know it'll be more expensive, but for some reason, I'm fully compelled to pursue that. It is probably because I haven't really had alone time in forever... And a little bit because I know I'll be able to have alone time with other people, as opposed to always being in groups.

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I'm starting to feel extremely resented, so I probably won't hang around as much in general... I will actually re-make the bonds I had with my old friends, as difficult as it will be, in order to start a life of my own, independent from others... I'm really having trouble being myself. However, although it may not seem like it, I'm getting stronger. Individually, I'm growing to be more responsible. And I think I like this whole "growing up" thing...

Jacquee and Tater broke up. I can't say that I didn't see it coming... They spent so much time together and got serious entirely too young... But, it's strange for me... And I Miss my Jacquee. Hopefully this will bring her back to her friends, more than her man.

I give advice, and I'm logical when it comes to the actions of other people... But when it's me, I'm irrational and stupid most of the time... I make really shitty decisions, and in immediate hindsight I realize how ridiculous and/or idiotic they were.

I miss my family, and I'm glad the family reunion is coming up... Because that's basically the best time of the year... Everything's laid back and there are TONS of hugs. I miss it. I really do...

I'm still pretty mad at myself for leaving camp early... Not only did I fuck up things with everyone at camp, but I fucked up a lot of things here, too. Not cool.

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I'm not the person I once was. I hate it, and I hate me. I'm working on getting back to me, back to the good me... The person I was proud to be, and everyone else was proud to know.

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On another note... Everythings' going really good with Whitney and me. We still fight, but it's not as bad and not as often. It's sad that the same issues keep coming up... But it's my fault as much as it is hers. We've talked, and come to agreements on several different issues, so they're in the process of being resolved... I love her, and I'm not going to let something stupid be the end of us. But, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and see if I can wake her up... Or something.

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Much love to everyone... Uh, all 2 people that read this....

01. State the obvious.
I'm amazing.

02. Something that confuses you to no end.
EVERYTHING!

03. A song you could listen to for hours.
a song for hours? hmmm... doesn't happen.

04. A fandom you're active in (or a fandom you've been active in before).
LOL... I've never been in a fandom.

05. A song you can sing (with or without music).
Lol... Afroman--"Colt 45".

06. Three famous people you would invite to dinner (dead or alive).
Kurdt Kobain; Janis Joplin; Milla Jovovich.

07. A book you could read over and over again.
I liked, "Sex and Magick," and... uh..."Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" was pretty good, too.

08. A good story you've read. (fanfiction or not)
Fuck I dont know... I don't really read stories.

09. You're own special quirk.
i'M REAl random. holla.

10. Something you do when you're extremely bored at three in the morning.
I'm usually not bored at 3 a.m., actually.

So... We've been filling out FAFSA forms and loan applications for the past, like, hour... and Let me tell you--an irritable mommy is NOT something I want to cooperate with.

But I'm getting a $2,400 incidental loan... Which means I can get a laptop... And maybe a down payment for a vehicle... Mine has decided it doesn't like me anymore... So Shirley might just be gone for good... And... A new wonderful sexy beast shall be born... And we Shall name her... Shirley 2. LOL... Maybe not... But, I'll need help with thinking of a creative name for a car if I get it... Also, if I do have to buy a car--this means I probably won't be able to move out (sad, sad day for me)... I kinda want to cry a little...

I don't really feel like taking a shower right now... I'll take one later... But, Yeah... I'm gonna get off here, and go smoke a cigarette... Shit, I'm so the opposite of productive...